Siahne is the only one who reads all of this.

Hi Siahne.

Needles and fluorescents.

I Hate needles, I always knew I disliked them, no one actually likes needles, but as of today, I hate, beyond a hate you could ever imagine, needles.
The doctor surprise attacked me with three blood tests and not the usual cool down where you have three days to prepare yourself but wam bam right out of the appointment and straight into it.
I was completely petrified of course and fell into one of my anxiety attacks walking to my death in needle form.
Awful, absolutely awful, and the needle beast was a grumpy bitch about it all too.
But I got some satisfaction when she got angry when she couldn't spell my name even after I spelt it out for her.
And to think a week a go i was dead set on getting my tattoo done.
Now with very little sleep in my sleep bank, I am sitting at my mothers work with my head slowly nodding forward every few seconds.
I'd Love to go home and sleep, but it seems I will be here for another million hours or so.
I stayed up lastnight/this morning on the hunt for an old Cartoon me and my sister use to watch on the Nickelodeon Halloween scream special when we were youngins'.
And to my surprise I found it and am still to this day absolutely terrified of the old spookster Mr. Moundshroud, who i am now to learn the voice is by Leonard Nimoy.
He played Captain Spock in those crazy star trek days, the one with the elf like eyebrows and ears, beatles hair cut.
When they go to mexico is probably the bit that scares me the most by memory.
I can't wait to watch the whole thing, and then again on halloween.

I need sleeeeeeeeeep.

Raine & Horne

Feelin' dizzy.

Tutorials and dirty washing.

I've been to Melbourne and back again, this blog isn't one of my priorities so I didn't think to, well, "blog" about my trip at any point.
I wish I could of stayed longer, I enjoyed my time with my sister but my friends let me down which isn't something you like to go through too often.
And being away from my Lover for any amount of time is never fun.
I ate too much junk and wasted alot of money, although the junk tasted really good.
I hoped to straighten my head out completely whilst being gone but I suppose I had too much faith in that and was disappointed to realize there wasn't a full recovery, never the less it set me on a better track and now it's up to me to stick to it.
I saw too many amazing things, and just at the thought of it all I can guarantee I'll stop myself from crying.Weak and Lame I know, but like I always say I am an Emotional Retard.
I'm yet to appreciate some true wonderful things elsewhere in this world, and appreciate them unbelievably at that I will.
My sister took me to the zoo where I got to see Gorillas for the first time in my life, we had an encounter with a Goanna on the loose and took too too too too many photos of the lions.
When I can be bothered I shall upload photos.
Now I'm back in the Hometown with a large majority of distasteful people and uneventful evenings.
But I am doing my best not to complain and be grateful for the things that are normal for me in life.
With recent events of my dear Michaels' passing, and an acquaintance developing a brain tumour, I am making sure of it, as hard as it is to see positively with such tragedies on the mind.
A day doesn't go by where I don't think about Michael,that familiar ache in my throat, and it hasn't seem to get any easier.
But he'd want me to keep trying, and I will.
I make it one of my wills in life now for everyone I come to meet to know the tremendous influence he has had in my life, on the world with his music and mostly his undying compassion for the human race, regardless how many times it would be against him and let him down.
I miss him more and more everyday.
I am back to my usual habits of it being late in the evening and I am feasting on anything I can find in the cupboard and watching late night nickelodeon, enjoyable at most times of course but company would be nice.
I shall carry on with such nonsense and such.
Why did I even write all of this?

P.s.s

I got loafers, then left one at a chinese restaraunt, the chinese people wouldn't give it back to me.

My sweet prince.

I miss you.

If only I could be as beautiful as you.

I know that it isn't out of the ordinary for me to get up after noon because I cannot be bothered, but today I found it unbearably hard to physically get myself to awaken, and slept through all my important plans.
Even my sisters dogs slept too, and they are mighty boisterous dogs, they don't choose sleep over anything.
I eventually woke up,put my face on and ate smoked tuna on toast.
And also took the time to figure out the Doogie Howser MD theme song on my Sisters keyboard. Same sound effect and all, I can't begin to tell you how good that made me feel, but I'm sure anyone would understand.
I got on the crappy 19 and realized as driving away that I have forgotten my Music player which made me boil. The one time I finally get my cable back to charge the son of a bitch I forget it.
I find listening to music while travelling is a vital must for me, so you can imagine the grief.
The City made me feel weird today, unfamiliar and dazed.
I stuck up Flyers for Michael Jacksons Vigil and only one place didn't refuse me to stick one up in their Window.
The purpose of this made me low and I returned home with filtered coke and running eyes.
There was a man with Autism on my bus, I liked the way he was fascinated by his book.

P.S I would like a pair of loafers.

"All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go"

Literally out of the blue I booked a flight for Melbourne in two weeks.
I'm not too sure why I did this.
Today I awoken with a sore throat, what I dread most out of all sickness, which immediately led me to the decision of going back to bed and not getting up till Three in the afternoon.
This is not a luxury, it is boring and pathetic.
I went to collect my film from Town revealing that my camera is in working order, this pleased me.
Tomorrow I spend the day with a new friend.
Socialising is difficult.
Mourning is still upon me.
P.s I hate Ben houstons Mum.

++

In our darkest hour
In my deepest despair
Will you still care?
Will you be there?
In my trials
And my tripulations
Through our doubts
And frustrations
In my violence
In my turbulence
Through my fear
And my confessions
In my anguish and my pain
Through my joy and my sorrow
In the promise of another tomorrow
Ill never let you part
For youre always in my heart.

29th of August 1958 26th June 2009

The 26th will forever remain the saddest day of my life.
Sad is an understatement.
You were my world Michael.


My heart is aching beyond belief.

a short History of almost Nothing.

I'm not as callous as you think
I barely breathe when you are near
It's not as bad when I don't drink
I think I'll wait another year

The time of day is becoming harder to recognise, and the colour of the light is a sad blue.
Today is not a good day.

--

It is not the fear of being alone or without comfort,
It is the fear of being without the one you Love.

A downfall.

The mind is too powerful for its own good.
And will destroy itself if allowed.
Anxiety is its Lover.
Together they make paranoia.

Pe. Es

I have a Lover who makes it all worth while.
He's giggling write now happy to see that I'm not writing my usual woes.
And usual woes it truly is.
My nails are getting longer, I like to point, it out to everyone, or drum my fingers on every hard surface I come by.
I hung clothes this evening, The coat hangers all had to be facing the same way, thankfully you can just twist the head rather than having to take the whole garment of the hanger and back on again.
Little effort but still alot.
Playing with my nails again.
My only interest.

Corey is Beautiful.
Now I mean truly.
Go find something that makes your eyes pop, makes your heart either stop or race, and makes your cheeks ache.
That is Corey and more.

Cat legs and ink

Wankers.
Wankers Wankers Wankers Wankers.
I'm wasting to much time being angry at the World, but no point denying it and avoiding it.
I'm not as good as the rest of them are at pretending its a "happy place"
Fake as Fuck.

Achy breaky

p.s

I write like shit.

Sweet Cherry Cherry

I am failing myself beyond belief.
Thankfully my beautiful friend managed to pull me out of bed this afternoon and get me to come meet her in town for sushi, otherwise I'd probably still be laying there.
I'm unsuccessfully trying to grow my nails again, I don't bite them for anxiety reasons, I just bite them subconciously, like breathing, thats how often you'll find me doing it.
This week has started off with a very uncomfortable feeling and unpleasant bus trips.
And some days I secretly wish I never left school.

Chipped fingers and Doc martins.

It is becoming beyond ridiculous,
I don't remember the last time I was awake in between the times of 8am to 3pm.
Going to bed only a few hours before 8am certainly isn't helping, but I always manage to be more preoccupied in those early hours than I would be at any point during the day.
I awoke today with only two hours of sunlight left, this is normal to me.
I scribbled some makeup on the eyes,maliciously combed my fringe to get it to stay upright and crawled my way to the bus stop for an evening of fish pie and howling.
Today was a very unsuccessful day like many.
I think it's time for a change.

A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not

Creating this blog so far was a waste of time.
Don't expect anything from here for a while.
Words are a little short at the moment.